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Wednesday, October 5,2016

Stand-Up Consciousness:Comedians as Philosophers

By Cary Bayer  


“I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.”- Woody Allen “What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”

“I hate reality. But where else can you get a good steak dinner?” “I was thrown out of NYU for cheating on my Metaphysics final. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.”

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”


“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. “ “One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn’t pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.”


“When it comes to God’s existence, I’m not an atheist and I’m not an agnostic. I’m an acrostic: the whole thing puzzles me.”


“I use medical marijuana because I have Glaucoma of the Third Eye.”


“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

“No man goes before his time -unless the boss leaves early.”


“Pay attention, don’t let life go by you.

Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.”


“I have figured out how to communicate with my twin who lives in a parallel universe - send him a parallelogram.”

“There are two kinds of mystics in the world - the optimystics and the pessimystics. The pessimystics are very much in touch with reality, but the optimystics are happier and live longer for some reason.”

“We are not here to earn God’s love, we’re here to spend it!” “I believe we were created to evolve.

Otherwise Jesus would have said, ‘Now don’t do a thing till I return.’” “We are here to manifest our destiny as a humanity -- to re-grow the Garden from the grassroots up, and have a heaven of a time doing it.”

“Sorry, I don’t make predictions. I don’t want to jeopardize my non-prophet status.”


“Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?” “The best mind-altering drug is the truth.”

“Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.”

“See, the human mind is kind of like...

a pinata. When it breaks open, there’s a lot of surprises inside. Once you get the pinata perspective, you see that losing your mind can be a peak experience.”


“All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.”

“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”

“Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.”

“If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?” “If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?” “OK, so what’s the speed of dark?” “Sometimes I wish my first word was ‘quote,’ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‘end quote.’ “ “I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”

“I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I’m really thinking about.”

“When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.”


“If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?” “Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all of its students.”


“India has the Sat guru, America has the meditation guru, and Australia has the kan guru.”

“The journey of a thousand miles gets you to about northern Virginia.”

“Native American ceremonies would usually begin by asking for blessings from the Four Directions. They’re the last men on our continent to ask for directions.”

“Just in case you wind up dying today, bring a flashlight with you wherever you go. There’s a power outage in Heaven, and so the light at the end of the tunnel is out.”

“Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach him how to fish, and he’ll have a lifetime of smelling really badly.”

“A joyful channeler is a happy medium.”

“I know a religious man who’s half Muslim, half Jewish. Four times a day he prays to Challah.”

“If you insult a dead man who was cremated, does he turn over in his urn?”



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