I teach them six steps to bring this about. Women have a harder time of this than men do – especially if they’re middle-aged or older, because there’s some pro-activity required in these steps, and many women of that age group were taught when they were teens to let men make all the moves. If their mothers aren’t getting them more good dates, then they need to be open to a different way of dating.
So here are six steps to creating more good dates with people you’re attracted to. Try them when you’re attracted to someone.
1. Smile and say, “Hello.” This is easy, even for most women who were raised to let the man make the moves.
2. Compliment the person. (From here on, I’m going to use the word him, instead of person, for simplicity.) Let’s say he’s wearing an attractive sweater; tell him that.
3. Find out if he’s available. This step is pivotal, because you’ll either move forward to the following three steps, or end it right here. If he’s not available, stop right there; don’t practice the remaining steps on a married man, or a man with a significant other. Whatever good comes from such affairs will most likely be overshadowed by the pain of his lack of availability.
Trying to determine if he’s available or not is sometimes harder than it seems, especially for many middleaged women. Younger women in sales positions are used to asking for what they want in a way that most women who are older aren’t.
Women who might find it hard to ask a man directly if he’s available or not can try more indirect methods. You can follow up your compliment on his sweater by asking if he bought it himself, or if it was a gift from his wife or girlfriend. You can also look at his ring finger to see if there’s anything on it. If you live in a big city that gets many tourists or business travelers, you may know that many married men throw their wedding rings into the night table in their hotel room after throwing their suitcase on the bed.
You can also look closely to see if there’s a white space where there’s no suntan. Short of asking him, moments after you’ve made eye contact, for his IRS Form 1040 to see if he filed jointly or as single, you’re not going to know for sure if this guy is available or if he’s married. So, let’s assume he’s free. That moves us to step four.
4. Introduce yourself. If you’re meeting him at a party, let him know your connection to the person throwing it. If it’s a networking event, let him know what you do professionally that brought you there.
5. Engage in upbeat small talk. Share with each other what’s been going on for each of you lately, what movies, TV shows or sports teams you like, etc. In this step, ascertain what he likes to do for fun; you’re looking for a match, to find something each of you loves to do for leisure.
6. Go for the Fun. When you’ve found something you each love to do for fun, ask if he’d like to do it with you. Let’s say it’s horseback riding. Let him know a trail you enjoy, and ask if he’s ever ridden it. If not, ask if he’d like to go with you. If he says no, it’s his loss. If he says yes, find a day that works for both of you. Going for the fun is also called a date. But this kind of date is far more relaxed than the typical first date at a restaurant. If you’re going horseback riding together, it’s going to be a lot more casual. Horses smell differently than flowers on the table of a French restaurant. If you’re galloping you’ll be wearing jeans, which is far more relaxing than a tight dress. Restaurant dates often are preceded by a trip to the manicurist, hairdresser, etc., with a lot of time spent applying makeup, etc. There’s much less of that if you’re going to be jumping on a horse.
Because you love riding horses you’re in a much more relaxed state of mind as far as conversation goes. There’s much less effort involved trying to impress your date. Even though Going for the Fun is technically a date, it’s more like two people doing what they love to do together. You’re each more likely to be yourself, rather than putting on airs to make an artificial impression. This relaxed setting brings out the best in you. And being more natural means you’re getting a chance to see each other’s true nature.
The worst that will happen when you’re Going for the Fun is that you discover that he’s not really the guy for you. On the other hand, you may discover that he is. And that can give rise to a second date, which may be at a restaurant. But you’ll have already gotten to know each other by then, so you’ll be far more relaxed with him than you would have been, had the restaurant been the site for your first encounter.
If that second date goes smoothly, you may find you’ll have even more good dates. What’s more, it may be only with him. You may even wind up leaving the dating scene for good – and perhaps, even enter the mating scene.
