“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” -Brené Brown
We all long for genuine human connections, and even in a busy life with lots of people around us, these genuine connections can be hard to find. We socialize online, but that’s not very genuine. We work with people, but often that’s task-oriented and not human connection-oriented. We might have family and friends in our lives, but when we are busy or distracted those connections might dwindle. In the last year or two, I’ve made it a point to have fewer friendships, but with deeper connections, while also being open to the miracle of a random encounter with another human being. This philosophy has paid off in more genuine connections.
All the money in the world, the best job, and all the material possessions in the world won’t matter much if you’re alone and have no genuine human connections. We have a human need for this kind of connection, and there’s no doubt it makes us happier, even if it complicates our lives a bit. Many people make this mistake in different ways: they try to create a connection with someone who doesn’t want it, or hope the person responds in a certain way, or want the other person to be something they’re not, and so on. The key to an unforced, genuine connection is openness.
So here’s what works for me:
Be open to random connections. While I accept fewer invitations these days than I did a couple years ago, when I randomly meet someone, I try not to be closed to them. This means opening up, wondering who they are and setting aside any prejudgments that happen, sharing who I am openly and with a smile. I don’t know if this will be a connection to last a lifetime, but it can be one to brighten a moment.
Be open to who they are. Try to notice your expectations of the other person, and let them go. Don’t pigeon-hole them, don’t try to make them someone they’re not… just explore who they are without knowing what you’ll find. Be curious. You’ll find the real them this way, and it’s much better than finding what you hoped to find.
Be open about yourself. Often we try to present a certain good side of ourselves. We try to come across as competent, knowledgeable, interesting, accomplished, funny, smart, etc. But that’s a front. It’s only a part of who we are - the good part. Why bother trying to connect with someone when we’re just going to give them a false identity, just a façade? Might as well stay home. Much better is to open up, to show the real you. It means being vulnerable, and being willing to be embarrassed. That’s a huge amount of trust to put into a human being, especially if it’s not someone you know well. But it’s totally worth it. When you become vulnerable, you risk a lot, but you also get much, much more. You get trust from the other person. You get a deeper connection. They open up more too. And when you’ve done this a few times, you realize - there isn’t that much risk, because it never really ends up in a bad way. It’s pretty much all upside.