Dear Dr. Happy, My husband John and I are both in our 50s. We have two grown daughters, both of whom are married with families of their own. John is a good husband; he’s my love and my best friend. Dr. H., John likes to watch porn on the computer. He watches about an hour or two three times a week. He doesn’t try and hide it from me nor does he contact any of the women; he just watches. I happened to mention it to my younger daughter. She told my other daughter and they both say what John is doing is insulting to me and is a form of infidelity. John says they are wrong, that what he is doing is nothing of the sort. It’s never bothered me before, but now I’m just not sure how to feel.
Help!
Dear Help!, The Internet has made porn so available that many people who would otherwise not seek it, now do. And, not surprisingly, it is much more common for men to watch than women. Is watching porn a 21st-century form of infidelity? In John’s case, I think not. Here’s why I say that. 1) John is not hiding his watching from you. Hiding it would be a red-flag alert. 2) His watching two to three hours a week is not high; watching many hours a day every week would be much more incriminating. 3) He’s not communicating with any of the women he watches; another mark in John’s favor. So, at this time, in my view,
John is innocent of Internet infidelity. However, should things change in any of the ways I’ve indicated, I’d be forced to reconsider. One side note: I would advise that you be the judge of your own feelings and your daughters be the judge of theirs. It sounds like you and John have done well over the years. Perhaps, John’s Internet porn watching would be best left to the two of you to evaluate together.