I welcomed 2019 more eagerly than any year I can remember. Last year was truly the epitome of the adage “Make plans and God laughs,” only my curve balls were interlaced with sadness and tragedy to boot. It was one emergency after another. You learn a lot about yourself when put to the test. I learned that I am not a crier. Which really surprised me because I bawl my eyes out at those sappy Publix commercials during the holidays. And any video on Facebook involving babies and/or puppies – total puddle! I cry when I’m happy all the time. But when I’m sad, apparently I fall into survival mode. In times of intense stress I go inward – close up like a tiny bud to make myself small and invisible. I go through the motions of accepting the love and support of others. I smile, hug, say thank you, even discuss my feelings from a detached perspective. But these arms that welcome hugs and gifts quickly retreat back and wrap back around myself, holding my feelings in, tightly wound. I don’t know why, I just know that’s what I do.
After mentioning to my friend that I have not yet cried since my mom passed, she shared this quote from Anais Nin with me: “The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” I guess I can call this an EMERGEncy. Holding negativity inside in any form is toxic. Common sense tells us this. But growth is also painful, and I suspect that my resistance to let go stems from this.
Perhaps the most intense, lifealtering, as well as life-offering event is childbirth. Such an important moment in human life – alas, life would not be possible without it – and yet childbirth is one of the most excruciating processes women endure. I suspect, although none of us really remembers, that it is pretty awful for babies too, as they are shocked from the comfort of their muffled, warm, floaty, nourishing womb into the crazy world outside. Talk about growth – from fetus to baby… from individual woman to mother – incredible changes that come with incredible growing pains.
And then there is death.
Emotional pain, rather than physical. Although it hurts so bad, it is physical as well. I know there must be a higher purpose for having to endure the pain that the last year brought. I also know that if I protect myself from the pain by avoiding the feelings, that I am likely missing the boat on the growth that I am meant to be experiencing that is likely inevitable, one way or another. So if looking for the bright side is what I do, then I suppose this is where I find it in such sad times. The sooner I allow myself to feel, the sooner I will grow, enabling me to be of service on this Earth doing what I was meant to do. I suspect it is an EMERGEncy.