Marcia’s response indicates It has been said, “Those who her hidden agenda to keep the are brutally honest are more problem in force. If she truly interested in brutality than intended to heal her pain and honesty.” Any communication maintain the best possible delivered with love begets loving results. relationship with her friend, she would have revealed the What we withhold from incident by which she felt relationships is what keeps hurt. Then the two could have us feeling separate and alone. processed the experience until they came to resolution tell everyone everything all I’m not suggesting that you around it. the time; relationships can be Marcia’s investment in damaged by too much information. I am suggesting that holding on to the grudge rather than releasing it indicates the important things need to that she held it as a “treasured be shared. If emotional pain wound.” She perceived a payoff for feeling slighted: she got your friend, putting it on is standing between you and to be “right” at the expense of the table can dissolve it. But take care how you share it, and why. If your intention is to punish your partner, be right, or fuel the same argument you have been having for years, you are better off keeping your mouth shut. If, however, your intention is to dissolve upset, come closer to your partner, and deepen your relationship, your communication will serve as a gift to both of you.
Your experience in all relationships is the result of your intention. You use relationships to project what you want to make of them. Some people create relationships to be a source of deep reward and soul fulfillment. Others use relationship to intensify discord, separateness, loneliness, combat and pain. The good news is that even if one of your relationships, or many, have been horrid, you have to power to shift any of them by choosing harmony over discord. Your wellbeing does not depend on the other person’s actions or attitude.
It depends on your choice. The other person may continue to choose upset, but if you choose peace, you have mastered the situation and bestowed upon yourself the only gift worth gleaning from it. When you choose peace for yourself, you invite the other person to meet you on higher ground.
The key to healing relationships is joining – finding common ground on which you and your friend are unified. In my book “Happily Even After,” I interviewed couples who had been steeped in bitter acrimony as a result of a breakup or divorce, and then found ways to harmonize and support each other.
The most common theme I discovered was that couples who had children agreed that they both wanted the best for their children, which gave them a shared purpose, and opened a door to joining. To heal a relationship you don’t have to have children, but you do need a vision of connectedness. “We are in this together, so let’s do what we can to make it a happy ride for everyone involved.”
In the world of separation, there seems to be a huge space between us. What we fill it with makes all the difference.
