Can you imagine what our relationships would be like if we treated our partners like every day was Valentine’s Day? I bet your immediate reaction is to think that expressing your feelings of love every day is ridiculous! I mean, who has the time to express feelings of love, affection and appreciation every day? Keep reading. I made that statement because I wanted to elicit a response from you. I was hoping that you would think about your partner and the relationship that you have created. Maybe you won’t even bother to celebrate Valentine’s Day this year because you believe it’s a money trap riddled with cliches? I get it, but please allow me to share a different perspective. After experiencing the pain and devastation of divorce, I now believe that anyone blessed with someone who loves them should most definitely celebrate, because those small gestures and celebrations are what keeps love alive!
One year, when I was married to my ex-husband, Scott, I got him a Valentine’s Day card and gift, and he was empty-handed. I wasn’t expecting a grand gesture, but I didn’t even receive a card, and I felt unappreciated and unloved. Looking back, it now seems a bit silly, but back then I was really hurt. I must admit that I was no longer the adoring girlfriend he fell in love with either. When we fell in love, I thought Scott was the best person in the entire world. He was romantic and loving. He got me. We laughed a lot, and we enjoyed many of the same interests and hobbies. We got married, we had a family, we created a home, and we believed our love would last forever. We loved each other deeply. However, through the years we stopped doing all the little things that made our relationship incredible in the beginning. We got caught up in our routine. Working, taking care of the kids, bills and obligations overshadowed our love. We took each other for granted and ended up heartbroken, disappointed and divorced.
Isn’t that the way it is sometimes? We take the people we love for granted, and we don’t understand the importance of consistently expressing our love. We think our partner should simply “know” that we love them regardless of our lack of actions on Valentine’s Day, or any other day for that matter. I have heard similar stories from hundreds of other couples. In the beginning of their relationship, they wanted to know anything and everything about each other. They consistently went out of their way to show their love and affection to each other. No wonder everything was so magical! Then as the years went by, those happy couples were far less enthusiastic, and no longer willing to go out of their way to make their partners feel special and loved. Does that sound a tad familiar?
As a marriage coach, I hear many couples making statements like “we grew apart” or “we don’t have anything in common anymore” or “we love each other but we aren’t in love anymore.” Are you wondering why that is? In a nutshell, love is a compilation of everything we do (or don’t do) every day that keeps love alive and well. It’s when we think we can stop doing those little and big things that make each other feel special that love eventually withers and dies. Love simply cannot be sustained without genuine consistent effort.
We can’t expect our love to deepen when we don’t do our best to meet each other’s needs. Anybody can fall head over heels in love, get married, and have a family, but not everyone knows how to sustain love.
As a society, we tend to idealize love and develop unrealistic expectations that sabotage our relationships and marriages. All those endlessly romantic love stories we all know and love create unrealistic expectations of love and marriage! One of my all-time favorites is the movie “The Notebook!” You know, the one with Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams? I love this one, because even though it’s a Hollywood love story, it depicts the ups and downs and the beautiful mess that love is.
All relationships have challenges. Loving someone will never be enough. We must all love with intention to create and sustain the kind of love we want and deserve. There is no getting around it: happy long-term relationships are created with consistent small acts of kindness, tiny gestures, loving words, forgiveness, gratitude and a strong sense of commitment. Love is a decision to love each other every day including Valentine’s Day. Choose love.
Michelle Hays | Michellehays@monarchforlove.com
Michelle Hays is a heart-centered Marriage Coach and is the Monarch for Love Podcast Host with decades of experience in marriage and relationships. She has led hundreds of couples in their efforts to deepen their connection and increase fulfillment in their marriages. Michelle firmly believes that love is a decision and that positive thinking in marriage empowers couples to create the marriage and relationships they want and deserve. Michelle also enjoys her community on Instagram @monarchforlove. Please feel free to email her at Michellehays@monarchforlove.com with any questions or comments.
