What if one question had the power to stop an argument before it started, reduce misunderstandings, and help you feel more connected to your spouse? It’s a simple question, but it can be surprisingly difficult to ask: What story am I telling myself right now?
Most of us believe we’re reacting to what happened, but often we’re reacting to the story we’ve created about what happened. Your spouse comes home from work and turns on the TV. You think: They don’t want to be with me. Your spouse forgets something important. The story becomes, If I mattered, they would have remembered. The event happens in a moment. The story can live on in our minds for days, weeks, or even years. Over time, those stories become the lens through which we view our spouse, slowly shaping the way we think, feel, and respond to them.
Years ago, my husband Brian came home from work, and barely said a word to me. I couldn’t help but wonder why he wasn’t happy to see me. I finally asked him what was wrong, and his answer had nothing to do with me. He was stressed because he had fired someone he genuinely liked and respected, and was upset about it. Meanwhile, I’d spent hours feeling hurt. That moment taught me a lesson I still share with couples today: we often suffer more from the narratives we tell ourselves, than from the events themselves.
One of the greatest challenges in marriage is that we rarely experience our spouse’s behavior objectively. We interpret it through the lens of our past experiences, insecurities, fears, expectations and beliefs. Without realizing it, we fill in the blanks and assume our interpretation is the truth. I’ve seen this happen countless times.
The truth is that two people can experience the exact same moment and walk away with completely different stories. That’s why one of the most important relationship skills we can develop is curiosity. Instead of assuming you know what your spouse’s behavior means, pause and ask: What else could be going on that has nothing to do with me?
The next time you feel hurt, frustrated, rejected, or disconnected, ask yourself: What story am I telling myself right now? Then ask: Do I know this is true, or am I filling in the blanks? Because sometimes the greatest distance in a marriage isn’t caused by what happened. It’s caused by what we made it mean.
